Last Auto Reviews Blog: 24 hours of lemons

Well, it was an adventure, entering the oldest car yet to compete in any 24 Hours of LeMons event. What was even more amazing was the fact that this 46 year old car, which was sitting in a Vermont Field for over a decade, was one of the most reliable machines on the track. When the race ended on Sunday, our team circled that Stafford Motor Speedway 813 times, placing 23rd overall, with the best lap time of 36.602 seconds, compared to the overall winner (The Kielbasa Kids Honda Civic) who’s best lap time was 31.011 seconds.

Continue reading after the jump!

The weather at the track was nothing short of phenomenal, with predicted temperatures in the 80’s, and no chance of rain until late in the evening. It was a far cry compared with the previous weeks, in which it rained every day. This meant that driving in a racing suit, and helmet was somewhat bearable. The night before, we all drew numbers as to what our driving rotation was, and wonder of wonders, I was up first. I also have next to no track experience, so this was truly a baptism by fire. Let me tell you, it was both terrifying, and exciting at the same time, and there were at least a thousand thoughts running through my mind at the very moment I drove the car onto the track surface. Everything was working perfectly, from the brakes, to the steering, to the seat harness. We were parading around, single file, to do the usual transponder tests, and this is where at least one car sputtered to a stop. Man, it’s going to be a long day for them…..

The Green Flag fell, and all of a sudden, we were racing, only, I was being passed, by almost everyone. Was I in trouble? Did the engine quit? No, I was exceedingly slow, so I tried to stay out of the way as much as I could. Then I came up onto turn one, applied the brakes, and the car darted to the left! Well, at least now I know what will happen from now on. As I entered the turn, I felt the rear end try to break away, but at least I knew that feeling, since my first car was a Corvair, it felt very familiar, almost comfortable. However, I wasn’t prepared to keep performing minor corrections to the wheel while going through these sweeping curves. Turn three was where I learned about the twitching tail, but it was turn four that was another eye opener. You see, the race utilizes the infield section of this track, and it wasn’t smooth. In fact, it was so rough, it would rattle your your teeth fillings, as well as tear up your suspension. The Corvair tried to swing it’s tail here as well, only I anticipated it, and held the car in check.

Turn five is the start of the fastest part of the track, in which the cars utilize the actual speedway banking, and as I put the accelerator to the floor, all those cars I held up in the infield portion of the track roared by me, going around the banking three, four, sometimes five cars wide! I took a high line, much to the chagrin of the rest of my team, because they all said I should have taken a lower line (like they all did after me). We had radio communications between the car and the team, but I will be damned if I couldn’t hear them when the cars were passing me. The roar of all those Italian, German, and Japanese engines at full throttle was both deafening, and amazing. Well, there I was, running the race, being lapped by faster cars, lap after lap after lap. I thought to myself, there was no way we were ever going to pull this off.

I was out there for a while, and felt the meager horsepower in our engine drop even further. I was able to at least get to 67 MPH on the fastest part of the track, but could do no more than 60 about an hour into the run. So I radioed in that I though I was losing power, and came in to be checked out. Well, Johnny couldn’t find anything wrong, and the team agreed to send the second driver out (and that was Andy), so I was out of the car, but I didn’t spin, crash, or explode. And after the first hour, we were in 28th place (How the hell did that happen?)

Andy was first to spin, and it was in the vicinity of the notorious turn one. He came in to serve his penalty, and I wasn’t there in time to coach him the he should spin the penalty wheel. He elected to serve a 15 minute penalty. Driver number 3 was Carmine, and when he spun, the LeMons Supreme Court decided we needed a little souvenir, in the form of a pig. So the Arc Angel welded this sheet metal pig to the top of our car, and Carmine proceeded to sign it Carmine, the “Big Ragu”. Todd was fourth at the wheel, and again, he did a Pirouette right in front of the grandstands, and his punishment was to paint a scene on the car. He decided to paint it on the back of our new pig ornament. When it was Katherine’s turn, guess what, she managed to spin the car in the same place everyone else did. However, the Supreme Justices said she damaged a cone, and she had to apologize to it. Ahh LeMons, truly a place to witness the sublime to the ridiculous.

We were actually gaining ground, at one point placing 19th, again with the slowest car on the track. Other cars were losing their wheels, cooking their brakes, or their engines were becoming very heavy boat anchors. Meanwhile, Mike stepped into the car and was running lap after lap, consistently. All that came to a halt when Mike spun, and the track crew had us come in again, and made Mike park the car for 2 Hours! You see, this was our sixth spin, and according to the rules, it was time to cool us down. It was also time to feed the team, and Katherine had an idea. Why not feed the track crew? You see, I had planned a BBQ for the evening, and Jason (our BBQ expert) already had a few things ready to go, so off Katherine went with platefuls of food (Bratwurst, Marinated Chicken, Pasta Salad, Condiments, and of course, something to drink!) driven by Andy’s son in his especially nasty 455 Corvair! Mike just finished eating, and the radio call came it that we were cleared to go out. You see, the judges reviewed their penalty, and had a change of heart. So Mr. Angry, who was our anchor driver, stayed out on the track until it was called because of rain. We finished 22nd for the day, and it looked like we were on top of our class.

So How did we finish? Tune in for Part 3….

The Yeehaw It's Texas 24 Hours Of LeMons was a roaring success, with high speeds on the track, heroics in the pits, and Texas justice in the penalty area. We had everything from a Baja Bug to a Lexus LS400 on the track, and you'll see 'em all here; even the Supra that blew its engine 10 seconds before the green flag dropped makes this comprehensive list of the Top Lemons Of LeMons Texas! Make the jump to see this fine collection of racing machinery; if this isn't enough LeMons for you, check out the top cars from Toledo '08, New England '08, South '08, Altamont '08, Thunderhill '07, and Altamont '07.

We'll have more LeMons Texas posts for you during the week, including an in-depth look at some of the new punishments we've devised for on-track miscreants (e.g., the John McCain Uphill Battle Penalty and the Barack Obama Change We Can Believe In Penalty, among many others). Once we've gathered sufficient team-provided photos and videos, we'll put up the Yeehaw It's Texas LeMons Über Gallery.